"The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization."~Karen Horney

I am just about 23 weeks pregnant and finally the little man is letting me know he is there. After weeks of people asking me "Do you feel the baby?" I can say yes with confidence- and let me tell you it is about time! I know that compared to the normal pregnancy spectrum I am right on target, but it seems that every other woman who I know of that is pregnant has had very early detection. When a woman who is only 14 weeks along gloats about their over active baby, you get a little pissed. It didn't help that both my mother and my sister had low activity births- I was starting to worry I was following too much in their footsteps.

The feeling itself is hard to explain. Some people say it is butterflies, others say it feels like a fish, I compare it to loose change in a dryer. I knew it was indeed the baby when I felt something jag me in the lung. I got the wind knocked out of me while watching television and then the sensation migrated south. So far the baby has decided to remain just at belly button level- but he is definitely making his presence known. I cannot wait for the day for Matt to be able to feel the movement, but for now it Andrew and my special little handshake.

10 weeks ago I found out that I was 9 weeks pregnant.

In a way this was the perfect time for it to happen- but it still came as a big surprise. Matt and I had talked about kids, but we had wanted a few things in place first. 1) Marriage-check 2) a House-check 3) finish my masters- check (as of Dec 11th)...so according to our check list the stars were aligned. Even though that may have been it wasn't like we were really trying. I had been diagnosed with PCOS, undiagnosed, and re-diagnosed with PCOS over the past 9 years of my life. My new doctor came out and said what other doctors had hinted at- pregnancy wouldn't necessarily just happen for us. We knew that medication was most likely going to come into play and that it would involve a lot of planning, waiting, and planning some more. Although by nature I am a HUGE planner, pregnancy was something I didn't want to have to work at. I didn't know if I could really survive the cycles of disappointment I had seen so many other women go through. I mean I have friends who have been trying for years with no luck- I don't know if I am that strong.

So Matt and I had just been going on our married way with the idea of kids on the back burner. It was a discussion we had, but not a plan in place. Then one day I brushed my teeth, threw up, called my mother, and took a test. Almost instantly the pink positive sign appeared and I shouted for Matt to come read the directions to me out loud- I mean I always thought that it was supposed to take a couple of minutes- but this sucker was positive in less than 2 seconds. It took several home pregnancies tests, 48 hours, and 2 doctor's visits for it really to sink- but the realest moment was our first ultrasound. Inside of me was a 9 week old baby doing somersaults and I had no idea it was even going on.

It is amazing how quickly your life can change- and in this case for the better. While we have had a share of scares in the past 2 months our lives are about to change more than we ever realized. Andrew James Hamende will join our family on or near October 1st- we are going to be parents.

I know it has been ages since I had a blog entry, but life has been a little busy. It is my goal this year to catch up on everything that has and will happen....now back to the title of my post.

I can talk with the best of people. I have been known to ramble, bitch, whine, and even interrupt other with my verbal diarrhea, but I really enjoy silence. I am not the type of teacher that can let my students get above a certain decibel level or really enjoy a meal in a really loud restaurant. I love silence, I love whispering, I love being able to communicate with a mere look- sadly my husband does not. Don't get me wrong- I love the man, will till the day I die- but he doesn't pick up on the need for silence in a room. He speaks loudly, he interrupts (more than I do) and he rambles....boy can this guy ramble. I truly believes that he loves the sound of his own voice and will look for any situation to hear it- for example during the climatic moments of Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew. Is it so much for a girl to want to hear the dialog leading up to some druggie going into a seizure??!

If the husband continues like this we are going to have to issue the quiet game- first one who talks loses....

Last night, before the movie started, my friend aksed me for an opinion. Always willing to give my honest viewpoint to those in my inner circle, I was a little surprised when the question was, "What song should I have as a ring tone for you on my phone." Being a music person I never knew this question would be so hard to answer. Gini was giving suggestions: Weezer, a rap song, something from our Star Ranch era, punk, or somethign emo. For some reason the emo thing caught me by surprise. Emo today is shit like Tokoyo Hotel and a whole other slew of 20 years olds with too much make up and too much forced pain. But then I stepped back to evaluate my emoness.

My emo side really established itself in college. A girl on her own away from my parents and my musical tastes were growing each and everyday. I had a hard life at times leading up to college, but it was always something I was witness too, I tried to avoid participation as much as possible. In college though, I could not escape the drama. I brought it on myself, I brought boys, sex, jealous, independence, and confusion all into the mix of things. I started assigning music to a very confusing "sound track" of my life. Mixed cd's encompassed my cd collection and depending on my mood, my walkman would rotate from my "man hater" mix, to my "going out musical montage", and finally to my "reflection" mix. I pulled out these mix's last night and I slowly started to realize that I was emo before emo was a lifestyle. I didn't ever wear skinny jeans, flat iron my hair, or shop exclusively at Hot Topic....but my music, my soundtrack, my tastes were very emotional, angry, hurt, reflective, and deep.

So what all this blabber means is, yes- I can be emo in musical tastes, but I needed to set the record straight that I am not a 16 yo poser who is trying to be an outsider. Music will continue to be there in my life, making memories more memorable.

And to prove how emo I am not...my friend chose the ever appropiate- Fergolicious- for my ring tone. I mean, let's be honest, we all know I make dem boys go loco.

Sometimes it seems like it is the strangest things that make me feel happy inside. Now keep in mind these are not the only things in life that make me feel whole, but these are the things that bring the smile to my face, make me feel a little more kick ass, or help me remember how good life can be in those inbetween moments.

1) I am currently the youngest person in my masters class. For some reason this really makes me feel accomplished. Here I am, finished my bachelors in '06 and in '08 I am more than 3/4 of the way through my masters. I lack the professional experience and the life experience in many cases that my classmates have, but I am still holding my own. It makes me feel good about myself and it helps me continue the challenge.

2) My mom is asking me questions. In 1973 my mom graduated college with a degree in education. Since then she has taken numerous classes, taught in a variety of school settings, and has taught everything from 8th grade to preschool (where she is at now). I always valued my mother as a professional. You cannot buy the lifetime of experience she has or learn a fraction of it in a classroom, but for some reason she is asking me questions. She is taking classes towards her masters and early childhood endorsement. She calls me to help her write papers, to iron out ideas, to ask questions. This is something she never helped me with when I was in school, which now I realize that despite her body of work she lacked the confidence to help me. But now by asking me questions you can see her become more confident in her own work and it is kind of cool. It is nice when a person you admired, starts admiring you.

3) Myspace-top friends. When I am avoiding what I should be doing, you will probably find me on myspace looking at people's profiles. Some of people that I know, sometimes complete strangers. Well today while cyber stalking I noticed I had climbed the "top friends" rankings for 2 of my friends. I don't know why it matters to me if I am in someone's top 8 vs. their top 12, but for some reason it does. I like knowing I matter 4 people more than that chick.

4) 120 minutes. Remember this show? Two hours of alternative music videos that used to play late night on MTV, you know when MTV actually played music videos. Anyways, I just rediscovered it on VH1 Classics tonight. I was sitting in my new recliner and happened upon a Cure video. Of course I stopped, but then I was greeted with They Might Be Giants, Hole, Love and Rockets, Depeche Mode, Dead Milkmen, The Specials, I mean the list goes on and on!! Seriously I wanted to wake Matt up from his sleep just so I had someone to share in my joy. These are the videos at the heart of my love for music. I went through a period as a child were I only listened to oldies and classic rock...this was the music that brought me out of that phase. This is the music that played as the soundtrack for so many moments in my life...and I found it again!

5) My new pajamas. I had the same old pajamas in rotation that I bought the summer before I left for college, in 2000. The had cows jumping over moons, stars and moons- you get the idea. They had wear and tear and had shrunk so much over the years- they had to be retired. So in their place I purchased an entire new pajama wardrobe. Out with the cows and running spoons- in with poka dots, lace trim, and comfy, yet cute, adult pjs.

So I just got a letter in the mail informing of a rate increase for cable. Usually this would piss me off, but not today. Why? Because I can sit on my big ass and watch reruns of Beverly Hills 90210. I was addicted to the show back in the day and it appears this will be a life long battle. No matter how ridiculous their outfits are, Tori Spellings bad acting and blue eye shadow, the fact that there is no way in hell any of them is in within 10 yrs of the age of the character they play...it still reels me in. Matt may sit their and roll his eyes- but dammit this show was groundbreaking. Cutting, rape, eating disorders, pill popping, single mothers, the list goes on. All I have to say is- what's not to love?

"You shot me man!"
"No that was me- right through the forehead."
"Watch where you point that riffle, I am going in for an air attack."


No, my husband is not an international spy...he is an xbox addict. There he sits in his underwear talking strategy with lord know who and all I can think is- I wonder if the other guys are in their underwear too?? Think about it...takes away from the cool factor doesn't it?

Here is it 12:26 on a Tuesday morning and I sit here wondering where the day has gone. I woke up with the intention of being productive. Of course this goes out the window. My attention span is that of a fly, I can commit to 5 minutes of work and one hour of wasting time. This pattern has not proven to be very successful for me during a summer of 5 classes. The thing is I am very capable of doing the work, I just cannot seem to focus and of course I am the worse offender in a class being run by the future head of my degree. Yes, that is correct, stating in the fall this man will be the head cheese and all I have done is turned every single assignment in late. I can sense his displeasure tone in the emails he sends to me, but thankfully he has not come right out and told me I suck. There is still 2 weeks left of the class so this could actually happen though. I feel that I took my degree online to allow me to complete school 1) quickly and 2) in lieu of those minor bumps that happen in the road....but in reality I am using those bumps as bigger excuses then they should be because in reality I am a pretty intelligent person. For some reason though that intelligence and drive that fueled me to get my masters is lost, perhaps on a vacation of it's own. I need to find that girl again, and quickly. It will only be a matter of time until I have that instructor who could give a flying fuck about what went wrong and why I couldn't get something done. I cannot allow myself to fail at this! School is the only thing I have been consistently good at my entire life....other than procrastination that is.

I woke up today wanting to be productive and perhaps creative. Those plans went through the window when Matt and I did not wake up until 11 a.m. and did not get out of the house until 4. I did accomplish a few things today and I have documented them in a photo essay below...

First, I organized my necklace collection. I have a growing collection of costume jewelry that spends most of it's time in a tabgled clump. I bought some hooks from Target and waaalaaaa:





A much needed improvement....next step earnings.


Secondly, I needed to fuel my creative desire. I saw the perfect thing at Target to help me....a cat sailor collar. So I dressed Lewis up are the sailor he is and of course Roxanne was jealous, so I dressed her up as his first mate.

"A-Hoy!!"

Roxanne's jealousy is obvious

It's midnight, and for the third night in a row I sit here at my computer trying to complete this

one particular assignment. I am capable of doing it- but for some reason my brain is resisting the process. I so want to be on summer break without a care in the world, but the motivated side of me wanted to get my masters program done. Where is that same motivation now. There are so many distractions to be had and I have given into every single one of them. I twirl in my chair, I love the cat, I call for the dog, I watch TV, I mess around on the Internet. Next thing I know 4 hours have passed and beside learning what Lindsay Lohan is up to today... I am no further along in the the world of academia.



Gods of motivation help me now!!!!

Warning Cheesiness Ahead!!

So Matt and I celebrated surviving one whole year together. We decided to spend the night downtown Phoenix, a small getaway without really getting away. We stayed the night at the Clarendon Hotel, and that place is awesome. Modern and interesting, it fit our personalities perfectly. We had a fabulous dinner at Coup des Tartes and we drank wine at Cheurvont and sangria at the hotel. The whole night was fabulous and so was the company. I look back at this past year and I realize how good I have it with Matt. He supports me, he lets me be in charge, he loves me unconditionally, he buys me flowers, and he will even rub my feet. This is all the while having to deal with my girly emotions and stressed out full time student/teacher role. It takes a strong man to handle this type of crazy and I am not sure people realize how strong he is. I found my soul mate 4 1/2 years ago and I am so lucky that he has stuck by my side through thick and thin. I look forward to what the years coming will bring us: a house, children, aging, and most importantly all of the memories that will come with it. I love you Matty-Poo....thanks for loving me back!

Tomorrow is the official last day of school (for the kids anyways). Part of me thought I would be more excited to get to this point, but currently I feel nothing. I am so exhausted I think my body is over emotions right now. My room is stark and smells like bleach. No longer are my carefully planned bulliten boards on the wall, my wedding picture and diploma are removed. Honestly it is quite a depressing site- but it also signifies a new beginning.

After Friday I will no longer be a special area teacher- I will now be a fifth grade teacher. This is a new and exciting journey and I honestly don't know what to think. I like 5th graders, in fact some of my favorite students right now are fifth graders- but I feel so removed from the classroom right now. I am a little worried that I am setting myself up for failure and I will discover that I really am a crappy teacher. I worry about these things now and the school year isn't even over, I can only imagine what will happen come August.

But I am thankful for the people I have met these pasrt two years...even the annoying ones. I mean every good story has to have a villian and I have come across a few. And even when I struggle to keep a professional exterior, as I crumbled inside, it really hasn't been that bad of a journey. Teaching is the hardest job I think I will ever have and I find comfort knowing I have made it this far.

So wish me luck tomorrow as I say goodbye to the place and the people who helped mold me into the teacher I am bound to become.

I plan on wearing a dres everyday this week. Not a huge goal, or even impressive for that matter- but something I want to do so I can feel girly and fabulous as much as I can. I have bought 6 dresses to add to my collection, all within the past few weeks.

So watch out world...Melissa is wearing a dress, everyday.

I have been struggling, begging, pleading, and wanting a 3rd grade position at my school and after months of this will I won't I soap opera...the reigning hand of the district sweeps in and awards the position to someone who I consider sub par.

I need a change. This year has been beyond draining and for a typically pesimistic person- this year has gone too far. I have lost myself in the blanket of negativity and I have lost my way. I am not happy professionally and it is really effecting my everyday life.

But when did it get so bad? Was it the added stress of working on my masters, the stress of being a newlywed and wanting to nest in a house of our own, or is it just a huge underlining dissatifaction of myself? Am I truely where I thought I would be?

As the big 2-6 rounds the corner I am weighed dow with so many questions on where I am going. Nothing seems certain right now and for a person who is as big as a planner as I am- this is an unwelcomed roller coaster. I want to find that piece of mind that has slipped from my possession. I want to feel successful, healthy, happy.And for some reason this all comes back to a job, a position, a title. I want to know I am going to be ok without it.

The rules are as follows:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting on comment on their blog.

-I have been tagged by Brandi
-I posted the rules above.

#1: Weird: I am obsessed with popping my husband's pimples...like obsessed. If I see that he has one on his back from across the room I leap to attention and get to work. I wonder if I am in the wrong profession.

#2: Weird/Random: I can put my fist in my mouth.

#3: Random: I am scared out of my mind of falling. Even going on the down escalator is an ordeal for me- I think I need pills.

#4: Random: I am going to Michigan on Saturday to see the relatives and I am really excited.

#5: Random: Once I start a decorating or organizing project I will not sleep until its done. Ask my past roomates and my husband- I am a freak.

#6: Weird: Matt and I have discussed and planned out a zombie plan. SOme people have fire vac plans- we have zombie attack plans.

#7: Weird/Random: I cannot sleep naked, I've tried, I need underwear on.

I am going to wait on tagging people for now- I really should be doing homework!

For the first time ever I am actually trying to shop for xmas early this year. OS far my accomplishment is finishing shopping for my niece. I really wish that everyone could be as easy to shop for as a 6 month old is. She won't complain about the clothes I picked out, she won't tell me I purchased the wrong toy, or be upset if the gift I got her closely resmbled a houseware. As much as I love my family and spending the holidays with them- it always turns into this stressful event. Here is why:

1) Regardless of whether you can afford to or not- it is expected that you purchase gifts for everyone (mom, dad, sister, bro in law). My mom is perhaps the largest advocate of this and where I learned all of my horrible/selfish holiday behavior.

2) It is not ok just to get people stuff they need- you have to get them stuff they want. It is known in my family that my mother will be pissed if she recieves houseares or a gift that implies she needs to cook or clean anything. Every year my father refuses to tell us what he really wants- gets clothes- then acts a little butt hurt for the rest of the year. Seriously it is never a win situation.

3) My sister will put about 1/4 the effort and money towards your gift, but expects 110% from you. I am always disapointed by what my sister gets me. It really makes you feel like she has no idea who you are. One year she got my mom free sample perfume and she never remembers that my father hates shirts with pockets on them. Also she will count the number of packages for her under the tree. If her stack is smaller and has a smaller price tag on it she will be pissed off.

4) None of my presents are ever a surprise. My father (the big spender) takes me xmas shopping with him to get stuff for the rest of the family. If he didn't directly purchase my present in front of me, he always spills the beans while shopping. Oh and the last 3 years he has made me wrap all presents, including my own. My mom also makes me shop for me with her and Matt is just horrible with secrets.

I know this all makes it sound like I hate Christmas- but I don't. I think I just have this expectation of how things should be and always feel a bit dissapointed when things sway from that idea. For once I would like to not feel like I have to spend my whole paycheck to give my family the Christmas they want/deserve. And I really wish that at least a few of my presents were a surprise and that for once my sister took the extra time to get me that one great gift...not the necklace she bought for herself but never returned or the pair of count slippers(long story). I guess I wish we bought more into the Christmas spirit vs. the Christmas consumer. I love my family but sometimes I know we have the wrong priorities and unfortunatly I am guilty of this too.

Day 2 at the gym. Matt and I took the plunge and joined a gym much closer to our house than the previous one. We emptied the fridge and went shopping and planned meals.It is the first step of many steps in the right direction. Right now we have the goal for a 50lb loss for the both of us.

Wish us luck! I will eventually post the lovely before picture I took of Matt.

Big shocker- I know. It really is time to committ to something. I have already cut my portions down, but I am inconsistant with that. No more excuses, I need to lose weight and a lot of it. I am 257lbs, unacceptable. I need to lose weight once and for all- who's with me?!!