"The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization."~Karen Horney

I am just about 23 weeks pregnant and finally the little man is letting me know he is there. After weeks of people asking me "Do you feel the baby?" I can say yes with confidence- and let me tell you it is about time! I know that compared to the normal pregnancy spectrum I am right on target, but it seems that every other woman who I know of that is pregnant has had very early detection. When a woman who is only 14 weeks along gloats about their over active baby, you get a little pissed. It didn't help that both my mother and my sister had low activity births- I was starting to worry I was following too much in their footsteps.

The feeling itself is hard to explain. Some people say it is butterflies, others say it feels like a fish, I compare it to loose change in a dryer. I knew it was indeed the baby when I felt something jag me in the lung. I got the wind knocked out of me while watching television and then the sensation migrated south. So far the baby has decided to remain just at belly button level- but he is definitely making his presence known. I cannot wait for the day for Matt to be able to feel the movement, but for now it Andrew and my special little handshake.

10 weeks ago I found out that I was 9 weeks pregnant.

In a way this was the perfect time for it to happen- but it still came as a big surprise. Matt and I had talked about kids, but we had wanted a few things in place first. 1) Marriage-check 2) a House-check 3) finish my masters- check (as of Dec 11th)...so according to our check list the stars were aligned. Even though that may have been it wasn't like we were really trying. I had been diagnosed with PCOS, undiagnosed, and re-diagnosed with PCOS over the past 9 years of my life. My new doctor came out and said what other doctors had hinted at- pregnancy wouldn't necessarily just happen for us. We knew that medication was most likely going to come into play and that it would involve a lot of planning, waiting, and planning some more. Although by nature I am a HUGE planner, pregnancy was something I didn't want to have to work at. I didn't know if I could really survive the cycles of disappointment I had seen so many other women go through. I mean I have friends who have been trying for years with no luck- I don't know if I am that strong.

So Matt and I had just been going on our married way with the idea of kids on the back burner. It was a discussion we had, but not a plan in place. Then one day I brushed my teeth, threw up, called my mother, and took a test. Almost instantly the pink positive sign appeared and I shouted for Matt to come read the directions to me out loud- I mean I always thought that it was supposed to take a couple of minutes- but this sucker was positive in less than 2 seconds. It took several home pregnancies tests, 48 hours, and 2 doctor's visits for it really to sink- but the realest moment was our first ultrasound. Inside of me was a 9 week old baby doing somersaults and I had no idea it was even going on.

It is amazing how quickly your life can change- and in this case for the better. While we have had a share of scares in the past 2 months our lives are about to change more than we ever realized. Andrew James Hamende will join our family on or near October 1st- we are going to be parents.

I know it has been ages since I had a blog entry, but life has been a little busy. It is my goal this year to catch up on everything that has and will happen....now back to the title of my post.

I can talk with the best of people. I have been known to ramble, bitch, whine, and even interrupt other with my verbal diarrhea, but I really enjoy silence. I am not the type of teacher that can let my students get above a certain decibel level or really enjoy a meal in a really loud restaurant. I love silence, I love whispering, I love being able to communicate with a mere look- sadly my husband does not. Don't get me wrong- I love the man, will till the day I die- but he doesn't pick up on the need for silence in a room. He speaks loudly, he interrupts (more than I do) and he rambles....boy can this guy ramble. I truly believes that he loves the sound of his own voice and will look for any situation to hear it- for example during the climatic moments of Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew. Is it so much for a girl to want to hear the dialog leading up to some druggie going into a seizure??!

If the husband continues like this we are going to have to issue the quiet game- first one who talks loses....

Last night, before the movie started, my friend aksed me for an opinion. Always willing to give my honest viewpoint to those in my inner circle, I was a little surprised when the question was, "What song should I have as a ring tone for you on my phone." Being a music person I never knew this question would be so hard to answer. Gini was giving suggestions: Weezer, a rap song, something from our Star Ranch era, punk, or somethign emo. For some reason the emo thing caught me by surprise. Emo today is shit like Tokoyo Hotel and a whole other slew of 20 years olds with too much make up and too much forced pain. But then I stepped back to evaluate my emoness.

My emo side really established itself in college. A girl on her own away from my parents and my musical tastes were growing each and everyday. I had a hard life at times leading up to college, but it was always something I was witness too, I tried to avoid participation as much as possible. In college though, I could not escape the drama. I brought it on myself, I brought boys, sex, jealous, independence, and confusion all into the mix of things. I started assigning music to a very confusing "sound track" of my life. Mixed cd's encompassed my cd collection and depending on my mood, my walkman would rotate from my "man hater" mix, to my "going out musical montage", and finally to my "reflection" mix. I pulled out these mix's last night and I slowly started to realize that I was emo before emo was a lifestyle. I didn't ever wear skinny jeans, flat iron my hair, or shop exclusively at Hot Topic....but my music, my soundtrack, my tastes were very emotional, angry, hurt, reflective, and deep.

So what all this blabber means is, yes- I can be emo in musical tastes, but I needed to set the record straight that I am not a 16 yo poser who is trying to be an outsider. Music will continue to be there in my life, making memories more memorable.

And to prove how emo I am not...my friend chose the ever appropiate- Fergolicious- for my ring tone. I mean, let's be honest, we all know I make dem boys go loco.

Sometimes it seems like it is the strangest things that make me feel happy inside. Now keep in mind these are not the only things in life that make me feel whole, but these are the things that bring the smile to my face, make me feel a little more kick ass, or help me remember how good life can be in those inbetween moments.

1) I am currently the youngest person in my masters class. For some reason this really makes me feel accomplished. Here I am, finished my bachelors in '06 and in '08 I am more than 3/4 of the way through my masters. I lack the professional experience and the life experience in many cases that my classmates have, but I am still holding my own. It makes me feel good about myself and it helps me continue the challenge.

2) My mom is asking me questions. In 1973 my mom graduated college with a degree in education. Since then she has taken numerous classes, taught in a variety of school settings, and has taught everything from 8th grade to preschool (where she is at now). I always valued my mother as a professional. You cannot buy the lifetime of experience she has or learn a fraction of it in a classroom, but for some reason she is asking me questions. She is taking classes towards her masters and early childhood endorsement. She calls me to help her write papers, to iron out ideas, to ask questions. This is something she never helped me with when I was in school, which now I realize that despite her body of work she lacked the confidence to help me. But now by asking me questions you can see her become more confident in her own work and it is kind of cool. It is nice when a person you admired, starts admiring you.

3) Myspace-top friends. When I am avoiding what I should be doing, you will probably find me on myspace looking at people's profiles. Some of people that I know, sometimes complete strangers. Well today while cyber stalking I noticed I had climbed the "top friends" rankings for 2 of my friends. I don't know why it matters to me if I am in someone's top 8 vs. their top 12, but for some reason it does. I like knowing I matter 4 people more than that chick.

4) 120 minutes. Remember this show? Two hours of alternative music videos that used to play late night on MTV, you know when MTV actually played music videos. Anyways, I just rediscovered it on VH1 Classics tonight. I was sitting in my new recliner and happened upon a Cure video. Of course I stopped, but then I was greeted with They Might Be Giants, Hole, Love and Rockets, Depeche Mode, Dead Milkmen, The Specials, I mean the list goes on and on!! Seriously I wanted to wake Matt up from his sleep just so I had someone to share in my joy. These are the videos at the heart of my love for music. I went through a period as a child were I only listened to oldies and classic rock...this was the music that brought me out of that phase. This is the music that played as the soundtrack for so many moments in my life...and I found it again!

5) My new pajamas. I had the same old pajamas in rotation that I bought the summer before I left for college, in 2000. The had cows jumping over moons, stars and moons- you get the idea. They had wear and tear and had shrunk so much over the years- they had to be retired. So in their place I purchased an entire new pajama wardrobe. Out with the cows and running spoons- in with poka dots, lace trim, and comfy, yet cute, adult pjs.

So I just got a letter in the mail informing of a rate increase for cable. Usually this would piss me off, but not today. Why? Because I can sit on my big ass and watch reruns of Beverly Hills 90210. I was addicted to the show back in the day and it appears this will be a life long battle. No matter how ridiculous their outfits are, Tori Spellings bad acting and blue eye shadow, the fact that there is no way in hell any of them is in within 10 yrs of the age of the character they play...it still reels me in. Matt may sit their and roll his eyes- but dammit this show was groundbreaking. Cutting, rape, eating disorders, pill popping, single mothers, the list goes on. All I have to say is- what's not to love?

"You shot me man!"
"No that was me- right through the forehead."
"Watch where you point that riffle, I am going in for an air attack."


No, my husband is not an international spy...he is an xbox addict. There he sits in his underwear talking strategy with lord know who and all I can think is- I wonder if the other guys are in their underwear too?? Think about it...takes away from the cool factor doesn't it?