"The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization."~Karen Horney

For the first time ever I am actually trying to shop for xmas early this year. OS far my accomplishment is finishing shopping for my niece. I really wish that everyone could be as easy to shop for as a 6 month old is. She won't complain about the clothes I picked out, she won't tell me I purchased the wrong toy, or be upset if the gift I got her closely resmbled a houseware. As much as I love my family and spending the holidays with them- it always turns into this stressful event. Here is why:

1) Regardless of whether you can afford to or not- it is expected that you purchase gifts for everyone (mom, dad, sister, bro in law). My mom is perhaps the largest advocate of this and where I learned all of my horrible/selfish holiday behavior.

2) It is not ok just to get people stuff they need- you have to get them stuff they want. It is known in my family that my mother will be pissed if she recieves houseares or a gift that implies she needs to cook or clean anything. Every year my father refuses to tell us what he really wants- gets clothes- then acts a little butt hurt for the rest of the year. Seriously it is never a win situation.

3) My sister will put about 1/4 the effort and money towards your gift, but expects 110% from you. I am always disapointed by what my sister gets me. It really makes you feel like she has no idea who you are. One year she got my mom free sample perfume and she never remembers that my father hates shirts with pockets on them. Also she will count the number of packages for her under the tree. If her stack is smaller and has a smaller price tag on it she will be pissed off.

4) None of my presents are ever a surprise. My father (the big spender) takes me xmas shopping with him to get stuff for the rest of the family. If he didn't directly purchase my present in front of me, he always spills the beans while shopping. Oh and the last 3 years he has made me wrap all presents, including my own. My mom also makes me shop for me with her and Matt is just horrible with secrets.

I know this all makes it sound like I hate Christmas- but I don't. I think I just have this expectation of how things should be and always feel a bit dissapointed when things sway from that idea. For once I would like to not feel like I have to spend my whole paycheck to give my family the Christmas they want/deserve. And I really wish that at least a few of my presents were a surprise and that for once my sister took the extra time to get me that one great gift...not the necklace she bought for herself but never returned or the pair of count slippers(long story). I guess I wish we bought more into the Christmas spirit vs. the Christmas consumer. I love my family but sometimes I know we have the wrong priorities and unfortunatly I am guilty of this too.

Day 2 at the gym. Matt and I took the plunge and joined a gym much closer to our house than the previous one. We emptied the fridge and went shopping and planned meals.It is the first step of many steps in the right direction. Right now we have the goal for a 50lb loss for the both of us.

Wish us luck! I will eventually post the lovely before picture I took of Matt.

Big shocker- I know. It really is time to committ to something. I have already cut my portions down, but I am inconsistant with that. No more excuses, I need to lose weight and a lot of it. I am 257lbs, unacceptable. I need to lose weight once and for all- who's with me?!!

I always told myself I would not be that negative teacher. I would not let all the bullshit get in the way of the fact that I was there for the kids. Truth is, not even a year and a half into the profession and I am burnt out. I am not happy, I am not fullfilled, I am nothing I thought I would be. I want to teach but I feel I cannot be the teacher I sold myself as in my current situation. No one cars about my classroom, what I teach, what I am doing. No one cares about the amount of time I put in, or that I am stressed, that I need help. Everyone is concerened with their own things, their own stress, their own pressure and a school filled with people looking out for themselves is destined to fail. I hate being a special area teacher in my current school. No one thinks I am a real teacher- so why should I even try anymore. There is this expectation that I am a beaken of technology for my school- but no one wants to collaborate, no one wants to learn, no one wants to help. The kids have given up too. The refuse to try, they claim they are stupid, they are not afraid to tell you they just don't care. This is not what I thought teaching would be. I think more kids at school hate me vs. love me and while that shouldn't matter- it tears me up inside. I didn't get one xmas gift last year from a student and it blew. I am tired, I am detatched, and I am 25 and washed up.

So we all have our favorite break-up songs/chick anthems. On a message board that I post on someone happened to remind me of my all time man hater song.



What ever happened to angry chick rock?

I have always been about the strong female vocalist and I am really loving Feist right now. She is from the IPod commercial with that 1-2-3-4 song, but her other stuff rocks!




And she dances in all her videos...you have to love that.

When you work at a school it is hard to determine who is the bigger gossip- the students or the teacher.

The end of this school year will mark the 3 yr anniversary of the state coming and putting my school on an improvement plan.The word on the street is that our district is very upset with the progress our school has made in the past 3 yrs. The state had hired a principal and gave him the task of "turning around" a school that was in desperate need of reform. Flash forward to now and the district feels there has not been a significant amount of change so they are facing 3 options at the end of the year. 1) Remove all existing administration and teachers and "start fresh." 2) Turn it into a charter school or 3) Close the school all together and bus kids to surrounding schools. Pretty drastic, yes- possible, very much so. Our school has failed to make AYP the past 3 years and our improvement on AIMS scores has slowed down and in some grade levels come to a screeching halt. Our school also seems to be a revolving door hiring at least 20 teachers a year. Of course this is just a rumor but it really makes you think and honestly worry. I would brag how I never had to worry about job security, but maybe I do.

So what went wrong? Who do we blame when a school is not improving? As a teacher I have 3 assumptions: the students, the admin, and lack of consistency. In all honesty the kids run our school. We have a discipline program but that lack of parental support makes it fall flat on it's face. 2 softball players ditched from their game last night and nothing is being done to punish their actions. One of our principals told PE they could not practice walking in lines because it is a group punishment- but if the whole class is goofing off and not following directions - what can you do? Our teacher population changes every year, there are a million meetings, the list goes on and on. The moral at my school is very low right now and it makes it really difficult to continue to be positive.

The other rumor floating around is that teacher staffed computer labs will be no more for next year. So if my school is on its way out and my position is on its way out....what I am supposed to do?

Rumors suck but I fear the truth will suck even more in this situation.